


Hit Me Up

by earthtokylie



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack Fic, F/M, Group chat, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-07-26 04:42:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7560799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthtokylie/pseuds/earthtokylie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when everyone's favorite four friends get into one group chat? A shit-show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "sup fam, happy 4:20"

**Author's Note:**

> I know a lot of people have been doing this for ML lately, but I've actually wanted to do this for a while. I decided to actually write it when I saw other people doing fics like this, because I was then sure that this was an actual thing people do for fics. Heads up, this chapter is kind of short, but I've written some other ones and they're longer. Happy meme-ing.

Saturday, 4:20 AM:

nino: sup fam happy 4:20

nino: i cant fucking sleep

nino: someone speak to me

nino: hey u fucking trash lords talk to me

marinette: what the fuck do u want nino

nino: suh dude

marinette: stfu nino you are keeping me from sleeping and i crave sleep.

adrien: and i crave death

marinette: what

adrien: what

nino: WHERE TF IS MY GIRLFRIEND

nino: WHY IS SHE NOT HERE

nino: IS SHE DEA D

nino: WHENS THE FUNERAL

adrien: moment of silence for the fallen ones

Saturday, 4:55 AM:

adrien: guys

adrien: by “moment” i did not mean thirty-five fucking minutes

adrien: hello?

adrien: and i’m alone, once again. this group chat feels just like home to me :’)

adrien named the chat name to “the loneliest place on earth (the agreste mansion)”


	2. "#teamsadrien vs. #teamscoochie"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a squad divided.

Sunday, 6 AM: 

adrien: heyyy, guess who’s eating breakfast alone… again. also guess who’s very fucking sleep deprived. (nathalie forced me out of bed. she fucking sat on me)

alya: lmao thats what u get for calling our group chat what you describe as a living hell

nino: bro ur rich and famous. u seem like one of those people who have a hella interesting palette. please do share what your intricate breakfast is

adrien: one fucking grain of shredded wheat.

marinette: ur kidding right

adrien: no.

adrien: i mean yes.

marinette: seriously adrien are u kidding or no

adrien: me? underfed? lmao that’s like saying mari’s ladybug.

marinette: hAHAHA IM TOTALLY NOT LADYBUG. LITTLE KNOWN FACT, NINOS LADYBUG.

nino: wtf mari

adrien: awwww, nino! all this time you’ve been my soulmate and you didn’t tell me?

mari: excuse me

mari: did u just say ladybug is your soulmate

alya: stfu mari

alya: ur distracting me from having my existential crisis about how my boyfriend has somehow been ladybug all this time and kept it from me

alya: i feel so betrayed

alya: i am offended

nino: sorry boobah ily <3 can u ever forgive me

adrien: did you just

adrien: FUCKING CALL ALYA “BOOBAH”

nino: stfu adrien

adrien: THAT’S IT, KMS.

nino: good

alya has changed their name to “boobah”

marinette: gdi alya

adrien: WHY DO YOU ENCOURAGE HIM?

boobah: bc while im his boobah

boobah: hes my scoochie

adrien: WHA T THE FUCK?

adrien: PLEASE FUCKING EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT A SCOOCHIE IS.

boobah: shouldn’t u be killing urself rn

nino has changed their name to “scoochie”

adrien: i hate you guys.

adrien: every single one of you.

marinette: wtf did i do

boobah: NO

boobah: MY SHIP IS SINKING

boobah: SCOOCHIE HELP

adrien: every time you say that fucking pet name, a part of me dies.

scoochie: bro didnt u say ur already dead inside  


scoochie: the other day

scoochie: when u were telling me how shitty ur life is

scoochie: cuz u know

scoochie: fame and fortune sucks ass

adrien: fuck you.

marinette: it’s a squad divided and i am the only neutral member left

boobah: GIRL. u gotta pick a side

marinette: but

scoochie: THERES NO “BUT”S. RIDE OR DIE MOTHERFUCKER.

adrien: mari please

scoochie: DON’T DO ME IN LIKE THIS

marinette has left the chat

boobah has added marinette to the chat

boobah: YOU LITTLE SHIT

boobah: YOU CANT ESCAPE THAT EASILY

marinette: fine

marinette: you want me to choose?

scoochie: yes now fucking pick

scoochie: me, the living embodiment of swag, or mr. sadrien agreste himself.

marinette: sorry nino

marinette: #teamsadrien

adrien: OH MY GOD YES  


scoochie: WHAT THE FUCK MARI

scoochie: I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

marinette: a wise man once told me, “ride or die motherfuckers”

boobah: two can play at that game u little hoe

boobah: #teamscoochie

marinette: that sounds like a fucking porno. #teamsadrien is better

adrien: you’re a fucking amazing friend mari.

scoochie: thats debatable.

boobah: dont be offended scoochie. it’s only natural that mrs. sadrien agreste would want to stick with her husband, mr. sadrien agreste.

marinette: ALYA STFU

adrien has changed their name to “sadrien”

marinette has changed the chat name to “#teamsadrien vs #teamscoochie”

scoochie: get with the fucking times and change ur name already

marinette: to what

scoochie: traitor. it suits you.

marinette: why tf are we even fighting

scoochie is typing.

…

scoochie is typing

…

scoochie: damn dude

boobah: tbh i dont think anyone knows

sadrien: maybe because nino was being insensitive, but y’know.

marinette: nino

scoochie: mari

marinette: apologize

boobah: lmao mari if they dont make up lets get them a get along shirt

marinette: nino what do u have to say for yourself

scoochie: adrien

scoochie: my bro

scoochie: my dude

scoochie: lemme do this formally

scoochie: i, sir nino lahiffe of memeville, would like to take this moment to apologize to my biffle, sir adrien agreste of people magazine

sadrien: that was beautiful.

sadrien: i forgive you ^-^

scoochie: :’D

boobah: DAMN

boobah: I REALLY WANTED TO GET THEM A GET ALONG SHIRT

marinette: ALYA, YOU’RE RUINING THE MOMENT


	3. "glub glub, motherfuckers"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it's easier to be a goldfish.

Monday, 11:25 am:

boobah: HEY SQUAD, WASSUP

sadrien: i’m stuck at a photoshoot… again .-.

scoochie: smh that fucking sucks

marinette: um

marinette: do you guys mind

marinette: WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS AND I’D RATHER NOT GET MY PHONE TAKEN AWAY

boobah: SPEAKING OF WHICH

boobah: ADRIEN, MARI SAID THAT SHE MISSES YOUR “GOLDEN, LUSCIOUS LOCKS” AND THAT SHES “DISTRAUGHT” THAT YOU’RE NOT IN CLASS.

marinette: ALYA WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM

marinette: WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU

marinette: oh no

marinette: oh god no

marinette: why me

scoochie: LMAO OMFG

boobah: ADRIEN U NEED TO QUIT MODELING. YOU’RE MISSING EVERYTHING

sadrien: wait, what’s happening?

....

sadrien: guys?

sadrien: HELLO?

sadrien: why am i always left alone

Monday, 2:30 pm.

scoochie: MY DUDE

scoochie: WE’RE ALIVE

boobah: I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYYYY

boobah: I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKYYYYY

marinette: alya no

boobah: I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT AND DAY

marinette: ALYA FUCKING STOPPPPP

boobah: SPREAD MY WINGS AND FLY AWAYYYYYY

marinette: THE TEACHER SHOULD’VE FUCKING BROKEN YOUR PHONE INSTEAD OF TAKING IT.

sadrien: things are heating up in the squad fandom.

marinette: ADRIEN :D

boobah: chill mari

scoochie: like we all know ur thirsty, but pls. keep it pg.

marinette: gfys

marinette: ALSO, ALYA AND NINO ARE COMING OVER TO MY PLACE AND ARE SLEEPING OVER. do you wanna come too?

sadrien: UM YES PLEASE

sadrien: let me ask father

sadrien: FML

boobah: is that a yes?

sadrien: my dictator won’t allow me to leave the fucking house. apparently fucking bakeries are too dangerous. oops! better be careful not to fall into a powered mixer!

marinette: dictator?

scoochie: my dude has an asshole for a father.

scoochie: an actual asshole.

scoochie: everything that comes out of him is bullshit. words or otherwise.

sadrien: u know

sadrien: sometimes i wish i was a fucking goldfish

sadrien: goldfish don’t get famous!

sadrien: goldfish don’t model!

sadrien: goldfish get to eat!

sadrien: smh that’s the fucking life, if you ask me

boobah: #goldrien

marinette: omfg alya no

scoochie: i fucking love u so much

sadrien has changed their name to goldrien

marinette: I AM DECEASED

marinette: AND THAT NAME HAS KILLED ME.

goldrien: glub glub, motherfuckers.


	4. "BUT THEY’RE GONNA FUCK D:"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get lit or get hit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYYYYYY, I'M NOT DEAD!!! Yes, I'm aware it's been almost a year since my last update. I have poor time management and no motivation. Plus, I write best at like 4 am and this school year is still going on for me, so I can't really do that. btw, I changed my username, so in case you're like "THIS ISNT THE SAME AUTHOR THE FUVCK", uh ya its me :')

Monday, 11:15 PM.

marinette: guys im stuck on tonight’s homework

marinette: someone help

goldrien: do you wanna skype? i can help you easier over video chat.

scoochie: NO

scoochie: DO NOT HELP HER

boobah: rude.

boobah: i was peacefully sitting back and watching my otp become canon, and u soiled it.

boobah: SOILED IT.

scoochie: ADRIEN DONT HELP HER.

goldrien: why?

marinette: but i need help

scoochie: LISTEN

scoochie: WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN RESPECTIVELY PERFECT NICKNAMES (particularly mine), YET MARINETTE DOES NOT.

marinette: your point is

scoochie: IM SORRY, BUT THIS SQUAD IS JOINT TOGETHER BY MEMES. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A NICKNAME, WE MAY NEED TO RESORT TO KICKING U FROM THE SQUAD.

marinette: you’re gonna kick me from the squad because i use my real name

boobah: smh scoochie, thats a little rough.

goldrien: yeah scoochie

goldrien: ew why did i just say that

goldrien: i wanna die now.

goldrien: jk, i always wanna die.

scoochie: STFU MISTER “I WANNA BE A GOLDFISH”

scoochie: IF WE WANT MARI TO STAY IN THE SQUAD WE NEED TO DO A COLLABORATIVE EFFORT TO GRACE HER WITH A NICKNAME.

goldrien: well um i want her to stay

scoochie: EXACTLY

scoochie: SO WE MUST GRACE HER WITH THE MAGIC OF A PERSONALIZED SQUAD NAME.

marinette: but this homework is due tomorrow

scoochie: SAYS THE ONE DOING IT AT 11 PM. SMH, YOU HAVE POOR TIME MANAGEMENT.

boobah: u know

boobah: nino’s right

boobah: this must be done

marinette: you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

scoochie: THANKS BABE. ILY.

scoochie: NOW LETS GET TO WORK.

goldrien: i am so sorry mari.

boobah: SO WHO HAS IDEAS? I FUCKING DONT

…

marinette: FFS, YOURE MAKING ME NOT DO MY HOMEWORK SO YOU CAN DO THIS SHIT, AND YOU DONT EVEN HAVE ANY IDEAS

scoochie: how about “adhaskdjasdjklas”

marinette: wow thanks nino, thats beautiful

marinette: it brought a fucking tear to my eye

goldrien: you know what

goldrien: im just gonna sneak out and come to your house to help you. its easier

marinette: it’s easier to sneak out wtf

boobah: HOLY SHIT NINO

boobah: ITS FINALLY HAPPENING

boobah: THEYRE GONNA FLY TO AMERICA AND GO TO VEGAS AND ELOPE AND HAVE 50 KIDS. I’LL BE THE GODMOTHER OF ALL OF THEM.

scoochie: babe, chill

boobah: BUT THEY’RE GONNA FUCK D:

goldrien: um

marinette: ALYA SHUT UP THE FUCK UP, WE ARE NOT FUCKING

boobah: you’re right mari, we’re not! YOU AND ADRIEN ARE.

scoochie: LMAO THIS IS LIKE AN EPISODE OF MAURY

boobah: ADRIEN, YOU ARE THE FATHER

...

goldrien: mari, i’m here open your window :(

marinette: THE

marinette: WHAT KIND OF FUCKERY BROUGHT YOU ONTO MY BALCONY

goldrien: uh

boobah: adrien the teenage witch

scoochie: guys i know how adrien got onto mari’s balcony

scoochie: he’s chat noir

marinette: BDAJKDHA BITCH YOU FUCKIGN WISH

marinette: adrien smells like cologne and loneliness chat noir smells like cologne and memes

goldrien: um! i will Have You Know i smell like memes too.

boobah: mari have u been sniffing chat noir

boobah: what cologne does he wear this is vital info for the ladyblog

marinette: he wears noir by bed bath and beyond bc he thinks its funny that hes chat noir and his cologne is called noir

marinette: he’s also convinced it’s the scent of his soul??

boobah: BITVHC I WAS KIDDING YOU HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN SNIFFING CHAT NOIR IM CRYGINGJKD SF

goldrien: have you ever thought that maybe he’s right

goldrien: maybe it really is the scent of his soul

scoochie: sniffinette

boobah: snIFFINETTE THATS HER NEW NICKNAME

marinette: bITHCH WHAT THE FUCK NO THATS SO UGLY

scoochie: marinette get lit or get hit

marinette: i hate you

marinette: you knwo that right

scoochie: *know :)

marinette has changed their name to "sniffinette"

sniffinette: im sniffinette now which means im a professional sniffer

sniffinette: which means i can sniff just how much of a sNAKE YOU ARE

scoochie: u love me lil sniffie dont deny it


	5. “Sweet Lies by LxdyNxir”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alya and Adrien are sick fucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowowowowow i said i would write in june, which i never did. this chapter is pretty mediocre and short, i’m sorry.

Tuesday, 10:34 PM:

goldrien: hey guys

goldrien: i have a question, but you guys have to promise you won’t make fun of me.

sniffinette: okay what’s up

goldrien: okay, so you guys know how i’m a pretty big fan of ladybug and chat noir?

scoochie: dude you have like 38 ladybug posters of course we know that

scoochie: also u have that cringey ass mug from redbubble with a buff chat noir flexing

scoochie: he’s not even buff irl

goldrien: shut up he’s so fucking ripped okay

goldrien: hes so muscular and that’s why ladybug thinks he’s hot

sniffinette: AJJSND THE LAST THING LADYBUG THINKS OF HIM IS HOT

goldrien: NO HE MAKES HER HEART STOP WHEN HE LOOKS AT HER

sniffinette: ya maybe in his wildest fantasies 

goldrien: :(

boobah: adrien what was your question abt lb and chat

goldrien: does anyone know any good ladynoir fan fictions?

sniffinette: oh my god

boobah: DUDE YOURE ASKING THE QUEEN OF LADYNOIR

boobah: I HAVE A WILD PLETHORA OF FICS

goldrien: can you please send the best one??

boobah: YES OF COURSE!!!!

boobah: oml it’s so so so good and the author is SOOOOOO talented!!!! it captures their romance perfectly

goldrien: :0

boobah: it’s called Sweet Lies by LxdyNxir

goldrien: okay! ty sm :)

…

goldrien: oh my god alya

goldrien: i love this

goldrien: it’s so good

boobah: I KNOW RIGHT

sniffinette: you know what

sniffinette: i’ll read it, just to see what all the hype is about

boobah: ADRIEN TELL ME WHEN YOURE DONE READING

sniffinette: guys…

sniffinette: you sick fucks

sniffinette: this is a ladybug x chat noir erotica

boobah: we’re sick fucks for appreciating art?

goldrien: mari, if you could just get past that, you’d see how beautiful this fan fiction truly is.

sniffinette: alya where the fuck did you even find this shit

scoochie: she wrote it

goldrien: omg really?!

boobah: yeah

goldrien: OH MY GOD, you’re such a talented author! ahh, i’m so lucky to be friends with someone so cool.

boobah: lmao ikr

sniffinette: alya

sniffinette: why would you do this

boobah: ladybug and chat noir are a beautiful couple and i sin-ply wanted to share their love w the world


End file.
